Notes to Self...

Dear god, why am I so stupid. Why? In depressed. I’m so depressed now. It’s because of him. I’m stepping back.

I’m so sinful. I’m so scared and sinful. I’m so angry. I’m so sinful. I want to die. My heart breaks everyday. God is this what you planned for me?

Tell me what this person’s heart is. Why does he do these things that are so shady. Tell me Lord, why? Why am I here Lord, tell me, why?

I’m staying. I’m fighting for this and he will see what he’s going to lose.

Forgive me. I have shamed myself.

What does he care, he doesn’t anyways. To think of such a thing for myself, never will I be wanted like that, never will I be needed like that.

No more. After tonight no more lies.

I’m sorry god pls don’t leave me, pls protect me. I’m so sorry.

God, 

In the end it is my mother that instigates the monster. The monster will always be the monster. 

This is all so sad. Please help us God. Though they deny you Lord, please give us all strength and love. 

There is no love for each other, there is no helping each other. 

Lord help us understand. Forgive me Lord. 

Your unworthy child,

Alice 

My tired young heart is breaking slowly and painfully. Please give me strength to carry on from this inevitable.

Your child,
Alice

I messed up and I quit. It’s not the same anymore.

I’m done. It’s time to back off. I’m tired. He’s not the same anymore, I tainted him, I’ll leave it to an Angel to help him.

I don’t feel sad about it.

That’s weird.

When I respond, I set myself up for disappointment. This is why I don’t respond, I avoid all possible let downs. I am fragile, soft and sensitive.

Lord make me stronger.

This is affecting my work ethic. And this relationship is breaking my heart. I’m so tired of everything. I can’t take it anymore and it’s so lonely. I deserve different and better. My heart is too exhausted from feeling so much hurt that it cannot beat anymore.

Stop talking to me!!!! Stop leading me on into a hole and drowning me and saving me!!!! I hate you with all my heart rocky xiong! I hope you live alone and cold forever with no hope or love!!! Stop hurting me I swear I will kill you!!! leave me alone!!!!!!!! God please take this away if it will never be, take him away now please take me away.

When you begin to ask god for someone while you are with another person, that’s when your heart is realizing what you need and move on. You don’t love them anymore.

I’m overwhelmed emotionally. I have to make the effort to stay busy and do what I love. Part of this is writing and art. I must keep myself productive and well.

I cannot waste anymore precious time on such uncertain things and beings and must begin working on making certain that the most worthwhile certain things will take place. Though he may come and go, me myself and Alice will always be and exist, I must focus on making that existence magnificent and amazing, beautiful like it always was.

15 more months, only.

There are issues of trust and insecurity, needing and selfishness.